blanked

i don't get it any more. it just left me. why on earth do i celebrate christmas? why do so many people do it with so much gusto? why is the birth of christ still such a hit?

i love the whole Christ incarnate thing. i adore the acts of social justice, his life as a model of perfect living, and so on. this is more than a simple reflexed reaction to being tired of christmas being commercialized. why do i need to put so much emphasis on Christ's birth? to me it's about living, being a spirit in human form instead of a human with a spirit (or at least a healthy balance between those two views).

so, don't misunderstand. accept the fact that i am working towards something greater than allowing myself to be dragged into a routine that has gotten me to the point where i have to take 6 weeks out of every year of my life to celebrate a day that i appreciate but from which i don't get much out of as far as focus for my life.

how about we try to find out what day of the year Christ uttered the beatitudes, or when he cleared the temple steps of commercializing money-mongers? then we can celebrate those days and give gifts to each other and wonder in the backs of our minds (but NEVER aloud) how much theirs cost and if i'll get an equally-pricey gift in return.

nah, i think i'll stick to getting wrapped up in life - enjoying listening to God's creatures stirring on a chilly evening, watching the snow build up a little hill where it swirls around the corner of the deck steps, checking each day in the spring for how much more the leafbuds are blossoming from the trees - instead of getting wrapped up in "would you like that expression of your love and devotion to another human being gift-wrapped?"

a shot of my friend's orchids before they curled up and went to sleep for the winter.

100% male and female, part two (apologies for the crappy writing)

this is a continuation of the previous blog, 100% male & 100% female.....

trevdiesel said: "Consider a suggestion that we as individual humans may never - or SHOULD never - reach 100% male and 100% female.... because we already are. Said a little differently, if creation (including humanity) is interwoven to the fact that it is not billions of individual consciousness, rather ONE consciousness in MANY FORMS, then in this UNITY there is already the balance. Other people (but are they really OTHER?) complete the balance. It's another example of moving from "I" to "We.""

first, thank you for comment - this avenue is certainly worth driving down. i really dig the idea that "God is out there", in and around and through every person and every thing.

a couple things i'd like to mention about the previous post i wrote about this:

when male and female will become one, thereby becoming neither male nor female, then we will see God. in this case, "seeing God" will come in its time, maybe (maaaaybe) even as one culminating event for all people simultaneously. we are on our own journeys towards God, billy graham and salman rushdie alike. to strive towards perfection in our lives is to say that we think it is possible to achieve that goal. it's a much higher goal than martin jischke's 1.5 billion dollar goal for purdue, but in my estimation it's more valuable and just as attainable. however, where i am uncertain is whether we will attain that goal while in our physical bodies, or if our spiritual selves will have to leave mortality to finish the task. that said, i also see many signs that point to heaven being an earthly place. whatever that looks like, global perfection will certainly have to be a joint effort, thereby deducing that God will draw all things back together to create perfect harmony.

i was unclear in the first post - it seems to me that our individual journeys, even while being mystically tied into everyone elses' journeys, are not necessarily journeys that end at our physical deaths. these journeys have been going on since the dawn of man, and may continue for ages more; all of them tied in to each other (i.e. the current living population learning from past experiences, learning from dialogue with other living things, and leaving a legacy from which future peoples can draw) and leading us to perfection through a very long, arduous process. i've heard some say things that sometimes lead me to believe that they think things will culminate in their lifetimes; well, perhaps someday when someone says that, it'll be the perfect truth of the matter. but i think more importantly we have to realize that what we do now IS perfection culminating. if we take that to heart, if we stop living like we're the x generation and nothing matters, then the change we wish to see in the world will be us (thank you for that, gandhi).

at any rate, our souls are separate from our physical bodies, so the whole male and female becoming one and becoming none thing truly must have something to do with a terrestrial event. our souls do not literally have gender, but perhaps if they are a certain piece of God, as Trevor suggests, then in some way that may have an influence in their lives; in other words, a soul is simply God in us. with that, we are all part of God and all of God, and the male and female part of us should not, in universal terms, "get in the way" of our duties as humans.

from that, several things can be deduced; for instance, our physical bodies are not only "vessels" to give us existence on earth so we may interact, build, destroy, and generally maintain the planet - they also are our way of reproducing, expressing our inner selves through outward actions, language, attire, and so on. the physical body is necessary for the perpetuation of God's ultimate plan.

so at this point, i'm changing subjects as fast as a bullet train, so that's that for now. basically, i agree God is in us all - as all separate parts making up the whole, or the whole in all, or some with God in them and some not - who knows? but what makes me feel closest to our Creator at this point is that God is a great mystery and worthy of our trust.

perception and evaluation of thoughts is a good process and creates great dialogue. i realize this wasn't very well written, mostly because of the 5 days lapse between starting and finishing it; but i wanted to get some more thoughts out there and see what happens. if nothing happens, so be it. but if something comes to your mind for or against, please feel free to share.

inheritance

i was listening to the police synchronicity album last night, one of my all-time favorites by far. during "walking in your footsteps," a certain line caught my ears differently than it had the hundreds of times i've heard or sung along with it. "they say the meek shall inherit the earth." all of a sudden, it took on new meaning. obviously laced with sarcasm, since what i typically got from that line is that survival of the fittest will always win; thus, the meek will only die off.

this time, however, what immediately popped into my head was something like this:

we are part of a world where survival of the fittest works - at least to the degree that the immediate visible results show that the weak animal or plant dies or loses the battle. or human, by the way. what we don't see is the long-term effect of pseudo-winning over everything. for example, today i saw two squirrels on campus looking for nuts and such in the grass. they were about 7 feet away from each other, until one came upon something and started to dig. the other squirrely, seeing this take place when it had nothing going on, decided to attack the other squirrel and take over the digging. survival of the fittest, strong one wins out, gets one more meal. simple enough.

but those are animals. they're both the same animal (species). in the mortal human realm, this happens every millisecond somewhere on the planet, and in space come to think of it. but we have this spiritual side to us that sets us apart. we are the caretakers of the plants, the squirrels, the water, the earth and all that is in it. while we think we are controlling things nicely, there is another plane to our existence. a plane where God is in us and all around us.

the meek shall inherit the earth. we strive to control our lives and others' lives through money, violence, propoganda, subversion. we make advances in science at the cost of human lives. we get to work on time with fossil fuels, using them up like there's no end to the supply, and no consequence to their use. it's all a test, and we are failing.

the meek shall inherit the earth. many suffer today - through suffering, there is growth. through suffering, we see the evil abilities we possess. through suffering, we see the righteous and good way to do things, even when it is not present in our actions. we are failing the test.

the meek shall inherit the earth. the saying reverberates through centuries of struggle, growth, plight of nations and individuals, all hoping and working through adversity for the moment that good finally triumphs over ALL evil. perhaps not for quite some time, perhaps before i finish this blog entry. we don't know, but we have to continue to work towards it. make good of bad situations; look for the positive, creative solution to problems; be kind, even when you don't feel like it; pray to the God of all creation to cleanse yourself and strengthen your will to survive through mercy and grace towards all things the way our divine Mother would. true survival of the fittest is to rise above the pain and create goodness.

the meek shall inherit the earth. we are not sheep. we have the choice in any given circumstance to give notice of our desire to stop hurting each other and our planet. our power lies in the fact that even if we don't win a physical battle, our spirits cannot be broken, our eyes are open to the error of mortal power's ways.

the meek shall inherit the earth because they will be rewarded in a way that is not fleeting, that does not hurt anyone or anything; a reward that only can come from within and without in harmony with the cosmos.

be the meek, inherit the earth.

100% male and female = God

last night, under the yellowed hue of cold lamplight, in the midst of serious games of othello with a friend, a conversation was started about males and females, masculinity and femininity. we were agreeing upon the basis that it is better to allow oneself freely to disclose styles in his or her actions, thoughts, words, and body language that express what has come to be known as traits that are typically considered opposite to a person's male or female "gender." in other words, if something is considered feminine, for a male to express that characteristic would be a "step outside the norm of his gender." the same in the case of a woman portraying male qualities.

some may question the word "qualities" being used to describe traits of a human, keeping in mind that human traits are sometimes "evil" by human standards of judgement; i use the word qualities very purposefully - if all things were made by G-d (written as such to seem devoid of masculine or feminine nature), then all things are from G-d, therefore they are qualities. when we are one with G-d, then we are complete and whole, thereby the all-encumbering expression of the same imagination that created the universe. in that case, to which point we are striving, all qualities of male and female are dissolved, equalized and canceled out, so that only perfection exists.

i would say at this point we were in the middle of our third game, beginning to ponder the moves and the depth of the conversation to the greatest degree thus far in the evening. we moved into the discussion of how femininity was a tool that expressed not only a connection to our human partners, but also a longing to accept and be accepted as the same with them. in return, women would, by taking on the role of expressing the male role, would share with us their desire to assist, show their strengths in ways men can understand, and thus show commonality and acceptance in the same way.

in mortal terms, ever since grade school and probably before, males have been filled with the propoganda that "acting like a sissy" or showing meekness over force was a sure-fire way to be labelled as "girlish." females became "tomboys" or "butch." as we grew older, we (well, some of us) began to understand the opposite sex in ways that opened our eyes to the benefits of allowing ourselves to be open to traits that were outside the "norm" of our sexes. for instance, i know that i have "feminine" characteristics that stand out at times. not at all a bad thing, in my estimation; i express my feelings, communicate with and understand my wife by listening, letting down my guard and not being afraid to share deeply, allowing the time in my day to reflect on thoughts that have entered my mind and not put out so quickly things that could be beneficial to personal or spiritual growth. some may not think that these types of things are necessarily "feminine," but i challenge you to categorize every reaction, every need, into male and female categories. it's been ingrained in us that men and women carry out certain roles in society and that when those lines are crossed, two things occur: positivity and negativity. positivity in that we are all open to assist each other in growth, that we can create a world that serves our needs while not destroying the needs of the kingdom. negativity in the sense that this ingrained sense of "definition" means that if we do take a step towards "being in touch" with the opposite gender, we are losing touch with our own.

in essence, i'm saying that if a person, male or female, does not think simply as a male or female, but as a human with a spiritual self, then male and female responses and desires no longer come into play. the closer we become to being whole, the further we move from being set apart by our sex. at first i was picturing the perfect person being 50% male and 50% female, but i quickly struck that down. we must be 100% male & 100% female if we are to see G-d. however, by becoming 100% male and female, we become niether male nor female at the same time. the reason for this is if we are to incorporate all the goodness of G-d into our lives, half of each isn't going to do it. we cannot see as clearly if one of our eyes is shut. we lose depth. so our enlightenment is not an attachment to what is hidden, it is the clear vision of all that lies in us and around us.

it came to me that i had read a text that became revealed to me very differently once this conversation had taken place. i've quoted part of it below, with a short pre-quote familiarizer.

--------------------------------------------------------------

this is an excerpt from the gospel of thomas, a gnostic gospel that is part of the nag hammadi library. along with several other documents, this text was found a few decades ago and dated back to around or just after the same time of Christ's physical presence on earth. the sayings recorded in the gospel of thomas and other manuscripts all found in the same container are said to include virtually direct quotes of Jesus:

Jesus said to them, "When you make the two into one, and when you make the inner like the outer and the outer like the inner, and the upper like the lower, and when you make male and female into a single one, so that the male will not be male nor the female be female, when you make eyes in place of an eye, a hand in place of a hand, a foot in place of a foot, an image in place of an image, then you will enter [the kingdom]."
~Gospel of Thomas (22b)

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for more information on the gnostic gospel of thomas, follow this link:
http://www.gnosis.org/naghamm/gosthom.html
NOTE: this is not a replacement for the bible. there are many who challenge the validity of these texts, but my point in using them is that there is nothing that says the bible is the only available source of the written words of Jesus. just like some acoustic guitar stuff of john lennon's was just discovered and released well after his death, i am sure that there is a great possibility that some had written about Jesus and not made the final edit of the bible.

further, if you back up a bit in the website url listed above, you'll find more information from a decent source on the nag hammadi library in general.
http://www.gnosis.org/naghamm/nhl.html

macro universe

i'm pretty fascinated by animated inanimate objects. examples:

a marble being rolled across a wooden floor.
a rock kicked off a cliff by a landing bird.
the all-day amusement of a tire and a stick for a child.
the moving parts of a clock.
autumn leaves in the wind.
a feather on a windswept pond surface.

in the midst of all the madness the masses create and consume daily, i choose to take a step back and see the small things that make me happy to be held down by gravity. from high in the air, there's a mysterious pattern to mountains and rivers that make sense somehow; but still, down here, even in the craziest of places, we can use our macrosenses to see beauty in a way that allows it to take us out of the ugliness of business and greed. escape the circle of "i must accomplish this many things today" and allow yourself to be part of the circle of creation.

i love so much the leaves bursting from a tree in a gust of wind that sweeps hundreds of them across the road as i'm passing through.

i love erasing all the crap we think we have to do every day and replacing it with breath and thought. i love capturing it, inside me, and still allowing it to roam where it will.

ahhhh, yet again

i really didn't have much of a desire to mention this today, because i feel there are going to be so many people delving into this issue that it's crazy enough out there, and i should be one who sits back and enjoys it while it lasts. however, here i find myself typing away, making sure i say my piece about how i think this current situation will affect me, and how much i want everyone to know the depth of amazement i have for today's outcome.

you see, i am a rainy day's biggest fan. i woke up this morning, got ready to head out, then headed out, caught the weather forecast on the radio on the way in, and heard rain showers are on the way. my my, what an outstanding bit of news.

so, my small typed-out voice in the midst of the virtual chasm of digital communication exclaims only one joy and one sadness....great happiness that the sky is falling, and sadness that not all in the world are as happy as i about this great news.

do have a bit of a headache at the moment, though. probably the friggin' barometric pressure.



for those of you who thought i'd even think of mentioning politics, go here: http://www.clas.wayne.edu/POLISCI/kdk/stuff/jokes.htm

fooling myself, maybe part one of a series.

i pay taxes. more to the point, i suckle at the bosom of society in more ways than i desire. with paying taxes, or suckling, money is taken from me before i ever see it (technically) and put to use to keep the government on top of doing such magnanomous things as.....paving the road a mile over from mine, digging up the ditches in front of my home on a regular basis, making sure the children i don't have can eat lunch at school if their parents blew it all on booze the previous weekend, and keeping people on welfare on welfare.

now let me preface the rest of this with one thought - i'm not saying welfare is bad. it very much comes in handy for many needy people. but like anything else, it can be and is abused.

i can make it through suckling by telling myself that MY taxes go towards only the BEST of intentions. i help support the welfare recipients who truly NEED the money. i assist in paving my neighbor's road because sometimes they come visit and i'd like them to have a nice drive out to my place (until they get to my pothole infested obstacle course of a gravel pit). i keep dudes in business who eventually make it out to plow me out so i can make it to work and make more money so i can continue suckling my way to heaven.

i do my part, according to the sucklee (local, state, federal governments - or the evil trinity if you will), to maintain an active and productive role in the rotation of the planet.

so how am i fooling myself? there's no magic formula where i can call up the evil triune and ask that my money goes only to causes i deem worthy. hell, i'm probably single-handedly funding stem cell research in this state AND some underhanded evil triune agenda to make sure my friggin' road NEVER gets paved. there's a big pile of cash sitting in someone's lap drawer only miles from me that used to be mine. now it belongs to the dudes and dudettes that decided i live too far out in the country and am too ignorant to assist in making decisions about issues that directly involve me even though i spend 1/3 of my life IN the city that got my money. poor money.

i figure the only things i can think to do to remedy this horrible situation are a) move out of the country with my wife, dog, cat, and hammock, or b) keep living the lie that's gotten me this far. probably "b", 'cause there's no way the dog and cat can be in the confines of a car long enough to reach the border.

we're such sheep sometimes, you know? i realize many good things come from taxes. many more than i mentioned. but my point is i really, really don't like my money being lumped in to a big barrel where anyone in government can come along and say that i'm, in essence, supporting some "thing" that the cosmic christ would thump me on the head for doing. i do enough of that on my own.

yeah, pretty sure this is gonna be a series.

i need a.....

beer and a cigarette, like STAT. all i've been surrounded by are big words, huge flamangranorious words that sit and stare at me like i should know what they are, how they're spelled and what they mean. i don't. i've been fooling myself into thinking that the bigger the word, the more respect i garner. no.....more. i'm done. i'm gonna stay simple and like, ya know, yeah and stuff. i'm sick of the rants of politicians i don't want to vote for. i want a politician that isn't republican or democrat, or "independent." i want a human being to represent the human race, to invoke harmony (oops, i mean good times) between people, look at a situation and say, "this isn't right and i need to fix it." i want no more to have to wait at a stoplight because dude or dudette in front of me can't decide whether to eat a bite of dude or dudette's bigmac, take a swig of the 300 ounce coke in dude or dudette's lap, or finish the cell call dude or dudette started just after passing me at ninety miles per hour in order to get to the light one car further ahead than dude or dudette was when dude or dudette left the last stoplight.

okay, i don't even know where i am on this anymore. i think the 240th ounce of bacardi and coke has set in.

how was that, amy?

for da lady.......

future community centre?

all i want to do is float on you, my foggy wabash love.

my life is a prayer - let my prayer be your prayer.

rain, autumn, and the cosmic christ

somewhere, circling far behind my typical level of tragic sensory ineffectualism is a bond i don't understand, can't create in a lifetime, and until some point in my life never realized any desire to experience. why do i enjoy rain? why is thunder the most amazing experience i've ever had (no offense, jen - god category)? while i'm sitting on the deck, staring out through the valley at ever-brightening colors of autumn's approach, what about that makes me so at peace? what is the difference in a human's life that draws one into such retrospective determination to BE a better person, to hunger for the goal of being the most christ-like he/she can be, while others find it so easy to draw inward only for personal gain (i.e. ladder-climbing, vanity, theft, murder, narcissism at its worst)?

daily, i struggle with gaining something from what i experience. something positive. something that i can use to improve my self for the good of others. struggle is an important word here - no reason for me to try to hide the fact that i lose that battle many times. but what keeps me going that way? what is that something that entices me to get up, shake it off and try again?

it seems cosmic. cosmic christianity; the post-modern's eternal ticket to making it through life knowing that the cock-ups aren't permanent. the (unfortunately) little-realized fact that even while i type out this blog, i am in touch with this something that's already in touch with me. i am jack's sweaty brow. when i'm really in the groovy, most in touch with this side of me that i dig so much, i find out that my fingers move on their own, type what i didn't even know i wanted to say, and it turns out to be groovy and not from me and it freaks me out butinagoodwayandifreakoutagainbutthistimeoutofsheerhappiness.

point - understanding that my love for nature and my desire to enjoy it while protecting it is not borne out of reading certain books or listening to certain people or hanging out with certain friends or being afraid of the law. it's as natural as the trees i gaze into, waiting for the bird decide to fly. that natural connection is what causes me to read certain books, listen to certain people, hang out with certain friends, and....well, i don't fear the law, but i do take it into consideration. :)

it doesn't matter if one calls the relationship "cosmic." it's only a word - like "love." the crux of the story is that the beauty of the world that you are isn't waiting to discover YOU, it's waiting for YOU to discover IT. have a nice walk today.

a couple links if you want to read some groovy items:
http://www.sol.com.au/kor/5_02.htm (hildegard of bingen)
okay, so one link and one suggestion - look up matthew fox and read some of his items.

the thought of these boats swaying constantly in the wharf no matter where i am reminds me incessantly of my desire to travel.

my friends say it's a blue screen background and that we never even left the state

if i'd served coffee and given out cigarettes we would have talked for hours

kerouac dharmas into rebirth

decided to try a little emulation of Jack Kerouac; then decided to do it "live" for a couple friends; then decided to record it; then decided i'd like to try it at open mic night downtown this thursday (haven't decided which place yet - should be around 8's all i know, either at kinzie's or java roaster, both next to chumley's); then decided to post it on the blog. if you want to check it out, it's right below.

all i'm thinking at the moment is that when i heard OF Kerouac and when i LISTENED to him, i had two opposing emotional responses. i really dig his story-telling poetics and even if i didn't get anywhere close to what he did, i don't care. i'm having fun and i hope that you can enjoy imagining the story, too.

around the summer a few years back there were several of us who enjoyed the night air but couldn’t always be drug from the city like we knew we should be, so instead of taking the train to quieter country settings we’d head further in to downtown where storefronts were jam-packed, full of things we knew somebody would probably like to have but didn’t need. and the stores never looked closed because of all the lights on inside, but still we never really were down there to see them open; sometimes our musings made us believe those stores never really were open, ever. simply fronts for stores. made us wonder even deeper, high and in the kite’s manic yet patterned flow we’d find our way all the way to a table at the only place we knew for sure was open our time of day, night, and that was carillo’s grill. all the lights were always on there, too, but different lights, not trying to bleed our souls of loose change or hard bills; instead, luring us with the tempting smell that lead to the lingering beautiful taste of the fresh home brews and all kinds of grilled foods under those dazzling lights all blinking and changing out front and all somber and thoughtful in the warmer climes of the guts of the joint.

now we were deep in conversation, letting ourselves go to those dreams we had to hide away during our slumbering lumbering work-a-day days, making nothing that nobody would buy unless we asked ‘em, and then only “maybe” or “i’ll think about it.” so there were all were, the guys and gals we thought we knew but always tore apart and rebuilt every night, finding out new things and new ways to become friends all over again. there at those tables, candles just off-center and dripping out hot red wax onto pasta-stained cloth, drinks nestled against the bosom of their respective imbiber, half-smoked cigars and cigarettes waiting to be finished off and put down crinkled with the now smokeless, burnt-out many that had gone into and out of us before them, that is where we found the strength we already possessed, that is where the times were real and the music was loud and opened us up to discovery; that is where our ideals were invented and our mutual desires to spare ourselves of the wrath of suburban life were sprung. here we flowed, and the drinks flowed, and the jazz flowed just like us and us just like the jazz; and so our bodies moved and the smoke curled up around our ears and mingled with our hair before losing its shape and taking on infinite form before dissipating into the fans above that made us dizzy when we looked up but always drew us in to look up again.

that night we got into a conversation about how obvious it was that people died for a reason. spiritual implications arose and fell like the breath of a dragon after a duel with the greatest of the knights, and again rose up to strike once more, always circling the topic – a buzzard on its death soar, circling high up and always being the center of attention coming down slowly and closer until its wings almost touched its prey, but then out again after that quick check and then landing nearby would watch and wait to make sure the subject really was leading in that direction. we didn’t want to relate everything to some spiritual level we didn’t understand, but it was the only way and it pulled us in, a flower to a bee; no choice but to land on it every time. so we played the poker game with agility and vigilance, watching each others’ faces as we learned points of view and furthered the desire to talk more with more beer, more smoke in the room, louder music. higher and higher until our voices were drowned out by our thoughts. in the end we fell onto the decision that there is no answer to satisfy all, but that our talking about it was the only way to get to that conclusion. so our time together was indeed important, and the broaching of subjects usually left to quiet church counsel or to the bums on 3rd was not a choice but a deed that must be done.

from hereon the night poured us out onto the street where light mist had touched up the evening with a glow on everything, under every street light and into every corner a beacon called us to investigate and come back shaking our heads like we’d found out something new. there was nothing in most of those chilly damp corners but our imaginations coming up with the latest and the greatest notion that God was there when i went in and i brought God back out with me. most of the time, though, we’d go sprawling onto the main drag to find out who won the fight or see if there were more people we knew or bands we liked playing somewhere close; and then we’d find out and go into a spot that we didn’t mind adding to and the place seemed to be jumping even before we got there, hard spats of horn tracking out the front step and dancing with the mist now hanging thick in the air and staying in our ears and on our faces until we breathed it in and blew it back out to mix up with all the other notes that had caught up. we were spinning, the stars seemed to be spinning as we turned and looked up again at the moon instead of those choked fans and realized we were out in the shadows; and there was music to be heard, lessons to be learned, children to be born, hearts to be broken and won back in a matter of hours.

san francisco hill, near cafe sapore on lombard.

is it 6 billion times more beautiful?

during a conversation recently with one of my mentors, i came up with a "decider theory" for situations where i want to figure out if an action or theology is good. comments on the idea are welcome. i am sure i'm not the first to think of this, but that's only mentioned so i don't come off as a zealot. ;)

allow me to preface this with one factor - i am struggling with the idea that God is huge. with that in mind, it might be said that God can allow for a myriad of "correct" theologies for the kingdom that do not coincide. that is to say, what's good for the goose may not necessarily be good for the gander.

the theory: simply put, if an individual wishes to determine if a specific theological statement is right, he/she should multiply the theory by 6 billion. this number is based upon the current approximate population of the planet in human terms. the thinking behind the multiplication of a theory is that one should think of his or her decisions in life on a scale far beyond what it will do to enhance his or her own life (spiritually, physically, etc.) and look at how it would affect all things if everyone would believe or act the same way.

in the end, how does what i do affect the rest of the world? do i want all my energy to go towards positivity? of course i do, but does the way i do it work universally? ouch, might have just answered my own question, so don't read that part. oh, um, sorry about that.

shared moment, wondering what each other is thinking.

dead, once alive.

a few weeks ago, i heard about the snowy owl that had upon its journey, come to perch for some time in this region of indiana. jen and i went up to visit one day, at which time i snapped the photo above. we spent a while watching the owl, wondering about the life it lead, talking about it. when the owl would look at us, what a feeling that brought. created creativity peering into its created kingdom partner.

this snowy owl is dead, hit by a truck while ignorantly minding its own business. i grieve today, and forever more, for the loss of this beautiful blessing. yet my mind wonders about its life as well, how the owl's journey brought it here. what was its plan? was it brought here to be seen and then to have its life ended? am i so self-centered that i think it was here so that i would ponder this subject? perhaps not so self-centered. i can imagine God moving many through one entity. Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., John Kennedy, my father, my friends and mentors, the snowy owl. broad impact, positivity sent out in all directions, from One, through one, to many.

how now, whether a human or beloved animal dies, do i cope? it's been so long since one close to me has passed over. the grief from a bird, coupled with my confusion about how screwed up i sometimes see things in this place, burden me. i pray for revelation.

guess i've wondered about this before....

i found this just after i posted that last blog entry. something i wrote january 9, 2004 that captures the same question's essence.


a man so obsessed by the paranoia of God’s “plan” for his life that he decides against everything he originally had set out to accomplish. if he had wanted children, he had none. if he had a good source of income, he chucked it and lived on the street. he sold his house and car and gave the money away – well, at least he threw it into the street one night and never looked back to see what happened to it. no wife, stopped talking with his family. threw away his wardrobe along with his friends. stopped doing every hobby he enjoyed, even taking up the exact opposite of some. craps instead of yahtzee. stealing hubcaps instead of assembling plastic models.

in the end, he was destitute living among the destitute. his acquaintances were the fiends of the street. his home, wherever he needed to be. his purpose, to run at the slightest hint of unoriginality.

and God smiled, because the man had given up all earthly possessions to follow Him.

gentle creature so close to destructive influence - take care in this world, my butterfly friends - the webs of life are thick and sticky.

out of the loop

hi. so i was just reading my emails, when i looked to the top of the page and saw an ad that read "we take a proven, scientific approach to finding your ideal partner. turn to the experts...." and at that point i threw up on my computer screen and went for coffee to let it dry. the science of love. do i really need to comment on why that bothers me? okay, for now i'm not going to, but here's something else on my mind....

i am always, always bothered by things that controvert the senses, the natural world, spiritual "truths." being bothered doesn't necessarily mean that i take a negative approach to new ideas; instead, i'm upset inwardly in a way that generally produces one of two main results. first, i might know for sure that what i have experienced is contrary to what i feel is right. second option - that i can challenge what i've always held to be true because of what i am experiencing that is different than what i've known.

if G-d is everything and allows all things to happen, who am i to try to figure out if something is good or bad? in the broad scope, do i know for sure it's wrong for someone to commit what we've determined to be a crime if the end result from that crime being commmitted is that something is discovered because of it that ends another act that is "worse" than that crime in our minds? wow, sorry for that sentence. okay, donnie darko for instance - he was "told" to burn down a dude's house, but through that the fire crews putting out the blaze found he was running a child porn ring. arson justified, or still wrong no matter what the result? the point is, it doesn't matter if we determine through our own system of justice whether something is wrong; there is a higher court that knows more and works more mysteriously through us than any of our minds can imagine. i'm not saying i think we should end all manner of punishment, but sometimes when we decide to point an accusing finger at someone who's done something "unheard of", perhaps we should consider whether they had a choice.

i can still hear the rain falling from the storm that drenched these leaves.

me, for the purpose of making my profile pic stay put.

for kicks, here's another i shot the same night as the one below.

a shot from the storm that passed through our area wednesday evening. to me, there is nothing better than nature. perhaps that has been or can be taken as cliche, but honestly i don't care. i'm changed inside when moments like this occur and i can witness them. here i am, standing in the middle of my wheat field, and the great creator has cleared out the storm from over my head and let it still rage all around. no, i don't think i'm the center of the universe; however, i am a fortunate soul. i am small. i am big. i am created. i can create. i can enjoy others' creativity. i can allow others to enjoy mine. i am a piece of this kingdom. this kingdom would be different without me here. all of this and so much more is true for every person in the world. i wish you confidence in your God-given abilities, humility in your talents, and shalom always.

sobering

due to netscape and my computer not agreeing with being open to each other, i just lost a long, intense blog about my grandmother. i wrote what i had because of hearing of my friend trevor's grandmother passing on into rumi's unknown, of which i am sorrowed to have heard.

i suppose what i wrote was good to get out and see in front of me until taken briskly away by the "close or ignore" choice that isn't really a choice my computer gives me every now and then. so the meaning i took away from that after the disbelief had passed is that life is just as fleeting and unexpected. wait, it can't be as cliche as that....

no, deeper than that, i wonder if what i wrote was just for me and that is enough. it was good to take the stroll and to realize all the wonderful, truly life-affecting, positive influences Mom & Poppy had on this young boy's life. i'm sorry for loss, but i am happy for the trip. my memories that i share with them and them alone are fine and solid where they do the most good. if you'd like to hear them, in person is the only choice. i'm freaking out at this thing closing again with every word i type.

shalom to all.

wh...wh...why bother?

so i didn't make time today, um, to blog. per say. i mean, here i am, blogging, but not with some grand thought or divine purpose. i was thinking about the ...... okay, i'm a little drunk at the moment, but the steak was really good ....... thinking about blogging. so all of a sudden i am supposed to feel like i have to blog. if i don't get some great idea out on the screen, i've missed a step or made an error about what it means to have a web-based journal. nope, not seein' it.

i like the idea of being able to comment even on the desire not to comment. i know, cliche as hell, but so is "don't pee into the wind" or "when it rains it pours." might as well "stick a fork in me - i'm done." all i really want to do is go to bed after a long day of pouring out my soul to humanity to struggle once more to make a difference in the lives of people who don't care whether i pour out my soul to make a difference to them. heh heh

alright, let's go as far as to say that this is kinda fun, but then again, i've had a day full of the wonders of life from several angles and others' points of view intermingling with my own. it's been real, enjoyable. love you, g'night.

how about you take a sec to go to some search engine and stick your name in to see what's on there about you, or who else out there has your name? gotta be better than reading a ..... an inebriated dude's blog on a tuesday night.

hey, diesel's tune "parachute" just popped on my player's shuffle. groovy man, i love his creativity. he's a great mind and great soul in a ...... great body. wow. gotta go.

dear simple days of childhood, or beginning of the search?

this is a notebook i drew on when i was in high school. i found it when i was cleaning some stuff out of my old bedroom at my parents' place. haven't drawn a whole lot since then, and even though this is mostly scribbling, i got a real kick out of finding lines and shapes that worked together to form something i didn't imagine straight out of the box. this as much as anything i have from that era serves as a reminder of how my imagination kept digging at me to be used. only now am i starting to tie those feelings into what i've come to realize thus far about what it means to "let it out" and use my talents. um, not saying this is talent so much, but it's an example of seeing what i can come up with. i really dig that these days; especially becoming more aware of others' abilities and encouraging them to put them to use. God's imagination shines through us - i think it's one of the ways our Creator can experience his creativity, when we use it to produce beautiful things, come up with great problem-solvers, or shed light on someone's spiritual pathway. i hope i can continue to get better at that, because the results are astounding. hmmm, wonder where the first stroke of the pen was on this notebook....

seeing oneself accurately from the outside - possible?

snapped this shot at lee's creek in devil's den state park, arkansas. i've always thought it was interesting to see myself in a mirror, when my right hand turns into my left and i can't figure out how to comb the back of my head. i wonder why i don't hear myself speaking in reverse, though. odd.
 
all in all, the symbolic nature of the mirror of self is a cool concept.  paul said, "i do what i don't want to do, and i don't do what i should do."  yeah, i can relate.  but more important to me than getting down on myself for missed opportunities (which are bummers for sure) is that i realize that i desire to do more, to improve, to provide more than demand.  way more.
 
so when they say don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, ponder that in front of the mirror when they look like they've switched sides.  that's a real thinker.

to return to a thought....

i know i have a hard time staying on one subject for any length of time without getting sidetracked. obvious example - my previous post. so, why not continue with what i was starting to write when i caught myself and continued on the original path? okay then.

a friend of mine from India (code name Saikat) told me that what i'm about to relegate is true everywhere; this news bummed me out instead of making me feel better about the state of the world. yeah, love actually is all around, but there's a helluvalot of non-love happening, too. narcissism is trying to rule this land. everyone is told from youth to "watch out for number one", "climb the ladder", "succeed." it's crap. it's frustrating. it's reality t.v. in physical form. it's the reason factories belch out nasties all day and all night, and there are more cars than people in this country (hmmm, actually i'm not sure, but it's gotta be close). it's why psychiatrists exist and we have to have a church series about desensitization. it's why i can't stand to watch the "news" or check out political debates. can't we all just get along?

the worst thing about what i thought was an "american" problem is that the world is consumed by the notion that what's best for one will work for all. no frickin' way. if everyone would receive exactly what they wanted, which in most cases is a far cry from what they really need, there would be a convenience store on every corner and all the churches would be pool halls. or some absurd nonsensical detriment along those lines.

the point is there are two kingdoms, you see - we live in both simultaneously. the first is the universe; earth is the main set of the play, and all around are tons of props to keep us busy. plants, animals, bodies of water and piles of land all sorts of shapes, colours, textures, consistencies, and inhabitations. then the air, then no air, then a myriad of planets, stars, moons, galaxies, and the infinite question. inside all that is you. in your kingdom are hobbies, friends, relatives, jobs, likes and dislikes, vacations, friendly strangers, hair appointments, bubble gum, life. your life.

the connection is that for one part to work properly and for the two to co-exist, you gotta take care of the inner kingdom and the outer kingdom at the same time. this in no way inhibits good times. actually, it multiplies them. remember "pay it forward"? yeah, well that concept works. a great friend of mine (who i swear one day will be sainted) wrote once that one should ask "is this act i'm about to do beautiful?" wow. whenever i'm struggling with something, i go to that. i dunno, he might have gotten it from someone else, but i don't care. there's nothing new under the sun and i heard it from him, so there you have it.

personally, i stack things that are questionable up against God to see how they should fall. it's his place - i think i should check with him before screwing around with it. try it sometime. and then next time you have a chance to react to someone's seemingly moronic words or deeds, think of the 10,000 other ways you can react, too, and see if you're going for the best one.

know what? we can all get along (that includes momma nature) - but it's only gonna happen if we focus on what we can do for someone else instead of ourselves. yep, it's a great big blech of a struggle for me pretty much hourly. i love it.

man, i feel like wringing my hands and jumping up and down or something. i'm all worked up and it's time for bed.

foraging for wisdom

a couple weeks ago, i read one of my original poems in public for the first time. it happened to be at church during a series that challenged people to step out and step it up, to get involved in living out their dreams, being good to and for each other, and escaping the half-nelson society has on them by turning off the t.v. and turning on their minds. okay, so i'm already off-base, but it's a good series and a subject that needs to keep being brought up. thankfully i want to write on this every day, so i'll attack that later.

so the poem, titled "a walk in the woods with Merton", delved into the realm of being in touch with God through nature; specifically, how a walk under the trees, by the streams, through the valleys and across the tops of hills, along the edges of shadows all can affect a person so powerfully. the animals and plants are so amazing out/in there.

what intrigues me is that people see things differently, basically. i can sit in the same environment, look at the same things, and i am still amazed about that which Thomas Merton () wrote. he had a spiritual connection with the natural world and with its Creator that i long to have; a way of seeing things and explaining them that seem so deep and relevant that it makes me want to be out there more and more until i start to "get it". at any rate, that's the gist of the poem. if you want to check it out, it's posted below. this isn't bloody shakespeare. of course, i'm not a big fan of shakespeare....

a walk in the woods with Merton

sitting and waiting for understanding –
patiently longing to experience that moment
where God notices me yearning to know
what movements or sounds, what creatures,
what raindrops or reverberating thunderbolts,
what stirrings deep and mysterious,
what mixture of light and dark on forest floor
by peaceful rocky stream
awakened the sleeping truth
in the greatest and most meek of the Creator’s imagination;
how i search for under what rock lay the answer,
from inside which piece of wood arose the question,
how was this spot in the woods so powerful to one man
and if i desire it so much, need a response so badly,
why do i not feel that which i so long to touch,
to hold dear to me, then to let go and watch soar above
and then again to glide peacefully and slowly back to my soul?
more than respect of age, i long for wisdom;
more than awe of God, i search for form;
in place of the search, i seek contentment from experience;
instead of merely containing a soul, i need to be One with this place.

to have and to lose are one in the same;
on the warm, damp floor of these woods,
one day i placed my spirit in the hollow of a tree
and walked away.
today i am here to enter once again into the holiest of holies –
from whence i came, to where i was, now i long to go.

let me know the power of the trees,
the strength of a seed pushing up through the earth,
the echo of a bird’s call through the valleys,
the patient path of the turtles and slugs,
the unblinking attention of the fish,
the steady, sure footsteps of the mighty cat;
but most of all, allow me to realize
how one man could capture the essence of You
by being in this place where my only discovery
has been the beginning of the search.

it's hard, dangerous work to climb rocks, especially with no safety equipment; but certainly fun, for sure. too bad i'm not a rock-climber and this photo is actually me crawling on the ground. i could have had a great time on the side of a mountain....

unbegun

then there was the undeniable truth....i am not the only one. it's not about me. i'm not the center of the universe and if i try to be, i will fail miserably. i'm not the first. countless others have had their beginnings before me, and One has no beginning. who can compete with that?

my point? this is nothing new for the world, but it is new to me (read some Ecclesiastes - one of my all-time favorite perusals that opens up more each time i go through it).

the theory is that my creative drive, my desire to be more imaginative every day for ways to inspire and to live a great, full life is my opportunity for contribution to the kingdom. just like everybody else....

thus, this blog was born. i will let it be what it is and know that i do not hold the answers - i'm only on the search and hoping to find out and share as much as i can along the way.

thank you to friends for the inspiring thought (check out for example, plus all the friends' links at his place), and thank you to a Creator who has perfect ingenuity. man didn't simply invent the technology that allows me to post my thoughts; it as part of the perfect plan that man was allowed to imagine because the Highest imagined it first. there is so much more to the mystery - this can only be the beginning.

check this out: john 1:3 "through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made." believe, don't believe it, it matters to me, but it doesn't change what's true. this is groovy stuff for sure.