for years, i've noticed this quarky thing i do of getting all freaked out literally moments before a situation is resolved. a couple of for instances: i'm working on the farm, trying to free up a blade on the mower that stopped spinning. i'm twisting and turning, yanking, getting all the leverage i can muster to try to break it free - no budge. i know what i want to be doing; i want to be mowing; instead, i'm under the mower, not getting anywhere. just as i begin to think too much of about where i want to be, instead of where i am, i can feel the impatience growing, smiling at its impending victory over my emotions. maybe even to the point of showing my frustration through some angry action, or even beginning to swear a bit, all of a sudden - POP! and it's broken free and i'm back to mowing.
another example: perhaps a bit more relevant to most - listening to someone telling me a story, right when i just had to be getting on my way across town....all of a sudden i'm mired in this conversation that seems to have no end. i get so impatient looking for the end, trying to guess the outcome so i can simply say it and get the talker to the crux, i even lose focus and stop paying attention at times. all of this because of my selfishness - since when do i want to be at a store where everything i'm looking to see or buy is sitting on shelves collecting dust, while this human being with thoughts, emotions, and a desire to share them with me seems less important than that, only because of my lack of appreciation for its value. what a bummer.
what i've noticed out of examples like these and countless other similar experiences, is that i am a tad impatient at times. i don't dig it, i don't try to be, i know i don't like it when someone else is that impatient; all i want to do then is tell them they need to relax, enjoy life, get out of their all-too-encumbering shell and into someone else's.
medicine for the healer.
the kicker of all this is that just as i begin to lose my patience, the problem is solved. if only, i tell myself, if only i had been patient for a few more moments, if only i had listened a few seconds longer, i would be more at peace, the situation would be resolved as it was going to be anyway, and if anyone else was involved, they would feel as if i actually cared and am truly a patient, kind person.
what i dig most out of this is that i realize what i'm doing - perhaps not all the time, but it's a very noticeable thing to me because of my history of doing it. i really think i'm getting better at it, too; i can smile when i do it, knowing that i've caught myself being "a tad less than perfect" again. also realizing i've noticed myself becoming impatient before and halted the negative process has given me peace, seeing that i can improve that about myself.
i suppose if i'm talking to you sometime and i don't seem to be paying much attention, you might mention some code saying, like "how's the mower running?" that should do the trick.
i'm almost there - i can feel it. when i get to the point of knowing myself a bit better like this, i know i'm home free in that respect. good gravy, that's an awesome feeling.
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"what i dig most out of this is that i realize what i'm doing"
Now you're the witness! The observer!
For sure we are all part-light, part-dark. We'll always have hangups. But you're really stepping into powerful territory here because, like you said, you're realizing and noticing. To most people, they're just impatient, or hateful, or whatever and have no idea. Transformation can occur when you can stand back and say: "I'm being impatient." And, if transformation is not in the cards today, at least you can laugh at yourself.
Thanks dude.
("You're being veeeery, undude.") :)
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